Thursday, June 01, 2006

Redneck Wedding

If you’ve been to more than a few weddings in your lifetime, you probably have one that stands out in your mind as THE redneck wedding. I have at least a dozen in my past, but NOT MINE. Just because the bride (me) tended bar at the reception, or the rehearsal dinner was held out on the porch of my apartment complex, or we danced to polka music at a Chinese restaurant doesn’t make it a redneck wedding.. or does it? No, mine was small potatoes compared to the redneck weddings I've found reported on the internet, where you can become famous for doing some incredibly tacky things.

Uncle Bob on the Redneck Wedding from Hell.

Another first hand account.

Yet another.

And...  another.

The groom wore camoflage.

You can buy The Redneck Wedding Planner.

Redneck Wedding Etiquette

  • Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
  • When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
  • A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
  • For the groom: at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
    Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
More redneck wedding etiquette.


10. Rehearsal dinner held at Hooters

9. Instead of "Friends of the bride or friends of the groom?" ushers ask "Ford Or Chevy?"

8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops
Groomsmen: Travis Tritt T-Shirts

7. Phrase "I Do" replaced by "I Heard That"

6. Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" performed by Pinkard & Bowden

5. When the minister asks "Who giveth this woman to be married"... some guy in the back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!"

4. Reception conversation includes the phrase, "So what have you been doing since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"

3. Snack trays at reception: Vienna sausages and Nacho Cheese Doritos

2. Plans for the honeymoon evening include tickets to the monster truck rally

....And The Number One Way To Tell If You're At A Redneck Wedding...

Sign in front of the church: No Shirt... No Shoes... No Problem!

One important hallmark of a redneck wedding is the bridesmaids dresses. They have to be extremely ugly. This can happen at any wedding, as most bridesmaids know. See some of the worst at The Dress Incinerator, and at Ugly Dress.

Some pretty redneckish shenanigans going on at these weddings!



(click to enlarge)


A man came into a gun shop and asked to see a shotgun. The clerk, seeing that the customer was well-dressed and probably had a well-padded pocketbook, showed him a Belgian  handcrafted mother of pearl inlay weapon and Demonstrated  its fine points. A bargain at $12,000.

The customer says, "No, not quite what I need."

Then the clerk brings out an English model and shows off its fine points. A steal at only $7,500.

The customer says, "No, I don't need anything that fancy."

The clerk, disappointed, shows the customer a Winchester 'over and under' mass production model. Only $299.95.

The customer says, "That will do nicely. After all, it's an informal wedding."

Thought for today: A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

PS: The guys at File It Under are having a contest for the most creative punishment for spammers. Cash prizes!